Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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