my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize