life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
