she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
