when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
