I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize