Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize