I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
