Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to calm my uterus...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
