This girl is more easily done than said...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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