god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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