I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
