i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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