I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
