how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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