carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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