My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
