She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
