I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
