Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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