Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
