but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
