I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
