Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
