Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
