i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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