Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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