I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
