Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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