i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
