I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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