I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
