Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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