So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
