mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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