Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
