you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
