just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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