At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
