I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
