i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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