can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
