So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
