No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize