Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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