y did u give ur computer a hand job?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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