u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
