I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
