mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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