glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
