last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize