i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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