I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
