He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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