Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
