No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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