Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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