I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Even my vagina gasped.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
